THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUUUUUU for vocalizing EVERYTHING here and sayin' it put LOUD! Every woman whatever age she is deserves to reach orgasm and experience that and it's lovely during sex with another someone but also just as pleasurable (sometimes more) when you part with "Hand Solo" 😉 or something vibracious. This post has me asking if you're getting enough goji, maybe there's something in your diet that could help spur things on? Maybe it's time to order the Kama Sutra if you haven't already and make it a kind of recipe book where you try a different dish every week (every day? Every hour?) I think menopause really is a stage where our bodies begin to go crazy like it's our last hurrah or something but having been menopausal for many years now, I can attest, my own desire has not ever dissipated nor thankfully my ability to play every note on the xylophone if you get my meaning. So I hope hope HOPE this can be resolved for you Lindsay!!! I KNOW you can do this and when you resolve it on all our behalf's you better fucking write about it!!!
Finally I will add: I've always been somewhat inappropriate in speaking about sex/my body/fucking. Now when I look back I wonder if it was my ADD that I didn't generally have a filter. But I realized long ago that whatever I said was often deemed inappropriate. I spoke up. I spoke back. I just wouldn't shut up. And when that's the norm and the alternative is silencing yourself to make others comfy, then you realize perhaps the best approach is that you begin to worry less about what other people think. Which is very VERY VERRRRRRRY freeing.
Also I laughed out loud at this gem of a paragraph: "So, woe is me. I can’t come and I’m sad. I read this back and wonder if I’m just the new Naomi Wolf, crying about her lost orgasm while the world burns. Some women never come. Some do, but only sometimes. Where do I get off prioritising my pleasure over a whole lot of other things, and not just that but telling you all about it?"
Where do you get off indeed? And how? And why? And wherefore? And please don't stop telling us!!! I adore your courage and your zero BS, no-nonsense approach to getting shite spoken about and resolved. You GO, Glaswegian Girl! 😘❤️😅😎
OK: item one GOJI. NO. I have no goji in my life but will rectify upon the morrow.
Item two: delighted that your pleasure has not diminished / gone wonky during peri and meno. This is cheering for me, and I delight in the news of others' joy in this regard. Keep flying the flag!
Three: I, too, know that in the dim and distant past, I over-spoke about my sex life, but had consigned that to the pre-spouse era. It's funny (or perhaps it's not, actually?) that with this relationship I closed off / closed down discussion around sex with my friends. In fact we really don't talk about it at all. I'll be with my oldest pals, though, in a couple of weeks' time. Will this conversation change us all, I wonder? Definitely entering my giving fewer fucks era, I'll say that.
Four: THANK YOU for your honest sharing and your encouragement, Nancy. I really felt like I was over-sharing in posting this but knew inside it was also the right thing to do. And LOOK at the comments. People do want to talk about sex, pleasure and our right to it after all, and so many of them have loved your comment. Let's keep it up, and encourage others into the fold. So many in DMs as well, which I also can't quite believe. Totally respect those commenting privately and trusting me with their experiences.
I meant that - most of what I said in my youth was construed as inappropriate (not for the most part sexually but when I did speak about sex, I’d joke about it to my mother and she felt that was wildly inappropriate. I suppose she didn’t want to imagine I was having it as a young, unmarried woman LOL but I do know ADD is attached to the jokes I would make. I never made fun of people or their sex life - only my own, basically. Or I’d talk about my period or I’d talk about menstruation/endo or about orgasm or body stuff or I’d talk about things like this because we NEED to talk about it - it should have zero shame or taboo attached to a woman’s body. We’ve been raised to whisper in hushed tones about periods, sex, abortion, never mind rape or sexual assault. Lord. These are our bodies. We definitely need to make it all less taboo to discuss our needs, wants, desires, and sex lives/sexuality. It’s human sexuality and we’re all adults.
No, it isn't but I think a new conversation is opening and we're seeing a lot of books on the topic starting to come through. It's no where near redressing the balance but bravery from writers like you, helps immensely I've no doubt! Especially translating it out of books and into these more relational spaces where actual convos can happen! X
I completely agree. Diving into this had felt terrifying but as it happens, has been incredibly liberating for me and for others who’ve taken the time to bravely share where they’re at. We need straight-talking around women’s desire and pleasure (in all forms) and SS is definitely a place for us to meet around the metaphorical watercooler, isn’t it?
I have SO much to write and say and feel it needs a looong conversation over wine! Coffee! But maybe that zoom we’ve been floating will be a start…
I’m drafting a post at mo about peri-m and HRT so we are definitely on the same page! (I just started oestrogen- only HRT about 6 weeks ago, it definitely helps my libido).
I’m typing on my phone and can’t think straight enough and scroll back to your words to trigger all the things I want to say, so I’ll be back on my laptop tomorrow, but jeeeez thanks for writing and I’m right behind ya on it all… post incoming also. And let’s have that zoom chat asap!
I saw the title of this on your Instagram post and I came straight over (haha, excuse the pun) I am HERE for this conversation. But not straight away - I'll be back because I have THOUGHTS. For now, thank you for opening the door to this topic because no, you are not alone.
Ok, thoughts formed and articulated - coherently, I hope. Here we go:
Firstly, HRT - blood tests are notoriously unreliable when it comes to detecting changes in hormone levels during peri as they fluctuate so wildly, so it’s unfortunate that your GP is relying on this for prescribing hormones. They can prescribe before age 45 on symptoms alone, as far as I’m aware, you just need to find yourself a sympathetic practitioner. I’d keep pushing on the fact you’ve got a range of noticeable symptoms and emphasise the impact on your quality of life, including this particular element of your life!
That said. I am on HRT, a fairly high dose now, and unfortunately it’s not been a magic wand in terms of what we’re discussing here. I have the kind of physical symptoms which involve a daily regime of applying various creams, lotions and potions just to maintain borderline normal conditions for sex to even take place (and yes, that is as sexy as it sounds)- but perhaps more fundamentally, desire is still elusive and I’m really missing it. There’s nothing like that rush of excitement, the urge to jump on someone and enjoy that deep level of intimacy - and it’s been absent for too long. I think it can sort of cramp your style creatively too - it’s like you’re missing an important element of your imagination or one of your senses is lacking perhaps?
So yes, the big O stands for Occasional here, and certainly not as intense as I’d like it to be. I’ve only recently discovered the toys you speak of (what can I say, I’ve been a repressed ‘good girl’ for far too long) and they are helpful… but I’m still asking why I need them. I would like these to be a bonus extra to a satisfying sexual experience, not a requirement.
It’s frustrating because it’s taken me 40-odd years to feel much more confident in myself and better connected to my sexuality - but simultaneously the sensual experience has become dulled or at times has vanished altogether. I just want to feel in the mood for sex and to actually fully enjoy it when it happens - is that too much to ask?!
To paraphrase: Woe is me. I can come occasionally, but not very satisfactorily and only during a very narrow window of opportunity when mental, physical and external conditions are all aligned, and I’m sad.
Firstly, that final paragraph. Julianne, I hear this so clearly. The holy fucking trinity, shall we call it? Sorry, pal. And surely it shouldn't be too much to ask for us to feel in the mood for sex, to fully enjoy it and come. Really, we're not asking for much at all, and no more than a man gets every bloody time.
Although I'm sad that HRT hasn't been the magic bullet, I wonder what it would be like without it? I'm willing to accept that it might not completely fix me and that other components might play a part as well, but like you, I don't want to NEED a sex toy. I want to be able to experience good sex and they as you say use something as an adjunct. A bonus. As much as we now deride Naomi Wolf and the Vagina book, I was sold on what she said about the orgasm - creativity axis. I really do think that when we're attuned to our bodies and feeling good in them in that way that our creative energy also flows?
You've also touched on a massively important issue of vaginal/vulval conditions and the impact changes can have on our ability - mechanically - to have sex. Lube is a must, as you'll know, and maintaining the pH as well which I've found really bothersome at times even when doing my best with it all. Honestly, it's a minefield and the products on the shelves can do more harm than good. I take a specific prebiotic that has (apparently) been formulated with specific strains of bacteria that supports vaginal health and I also take a cranberry supplement for the UTI issue. Actually not been as bothered recently by the UTI-thrush-UTI-thrush cycle, but if I do get a UTI the vicious cycle returns... It's miserable and totally kills any desire I have, of course!
I think the HRT in various forms is helping at last, and I definitely think I'd be in a much worst state all round without it! Mentally and physically. The fact that I'm missing desire feels like a good sign, as up until fairly recently I didn't really care much about sex at all, and could quite happily go without. Now there's been a shift and I feel like sometimes the urge is there, lurking just out of reach, so I'm working to try and find it and recover some kind of normal, or a new normal maybe? I'm ready to begin my midlife sexual revolution, but it feels like bloody hard work!
And I’m looking around for stories of women who have experienced this and overcome it - whether for solutions they can share or just for the sense of hope that this phase isn't forever - but as you've highlighted, I can’t find any of these stories, it's just not discussed enough.
Reading all of this back, including yours and everyone's comments I can't help but think about how much hard work - literal blood, sweat and tears sometimes - it is to maintain some kind of 'normality' with our bodies at this stage. It seems so, so unbalanced when compared with men.
That last paragraph. Exactly that. And yes to more discussion and a 'can do' optimism as well as the nitty-gritty reality. I want this to be a positive shift in my life and cannot really accept the narrative of peri and meno we in the west are fed. I've been looking at the words used by other cultures and LOVE the Japanese word which doesn't mean menopause exactly, for it doesn't situate the end of periods as quite so much and abrupt stop as we do. They describe the transition time as far longer than we do (because it is) and see it as a portal, an oppot for growth and good change... Hmm.
YES LINDSAY! I’m so grateful that you wrote this. Along with some other peri symptoms I have noticed this recently 😭 my reaction was just for FUCK’S SAKE … as well being advised to cut out all the fun stuff to ease perimenopause effects (caffeine, sugar, wine etc) we also don’t get to COME?! Orgasms matter, pleasure matters, an experience of pleasure means we are nicer and more useful to people and the world is a better place! I also need to set aside a few hours to read all these comments and follow all the links!
I didn’t want to forget books - F’ck Like a Goddess by Alexandra Roxo; Urban Tantra by Barbara Carralles; of course Come you are by Emily Nagoski ; Want Me by Tracy Clark-Flory; the Body is not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor; Merry Jane's The CBD Solution: Sex: How Cannabis, CBD, and Other Plant Allies Can Improve Your Everyday Life
I was down this rabbit hole a few years ago and tried HRT even (my body didn’t like it). In your bevy of items do you have something for vaginal, vulva or yoni mapping? There’s also wands you can get for fascia release in the womb. It will return, just differently. There’s also CBD and a whole lot of other fun things to try out. I found the cadence was just different from my late 40s into now my start of 50. Hang in there, this is a much needed topic for discussion.
OK. All of this is news to me, Tracy. I have NEVER heard of yoni mapping, and womb facia release sounds AMAZING. I haven’t taken CBD oil for ages, and wasn’t aware that it had an impact on pleasure so will investigate as this feels doable.
Additionally our needs/tastes change as we age. Trying new things like ethically sourced porn - Dipsea (aura stories for stimulation) ; video - Lust Cinema , bellesaPlus or Afterglow. Bellesa also sells sex items. For sexual care - make sure your using a cleanser developed for feminine wash as it’s ph set to that area. I use Rael.
An idea for a series for sure. There’s the whole jewelry thing with necklaces and bracelets that are handcuffs and vibrators (hello Crave), and of course kink which is another rabbit hole.
Check out Foria - https://www.foriawellness.com/. And Chakrubs - https://chakrubs.com/. They sometimes have the Generous, which is a large wand that can be used for mapping and inner fascia release. Crystal wands can be a great addition because the different ones do additional work, such as black obsidian is good for release of inner restrictions and shadow. Chakrubs has workbooks and an Etsy site (discounted items on there)
I can’t stress this enough - make sure you use the right lube for what you’re doing. There’s cbd infused lube, and arousal oils meant to help get the engines going. Let me know if you want recommendations. I spent a couple years down this way learning, taking classes, etc.
Yes. I enjoy reading her. Have you checked out the Kama app? Also check out Lovers store, I got a lube warmer there. Separately my favorite is Lelo’s or Unbound’s Jelly and then Maude (fav vibrator) has good massage oil.
Definitely going with the 'On holiday' interp, Jane. Not AWOL, not gone forever. And you're right – I know that from speaking to other GPs and other women that its best practice to treat the symptoms rather than rely on bloods so I'm hopeful I'll be able to put a bit more pressure on now...
Very much here for, and appreciative of your openness Lindsay 🙌🏻 Have you read much about testosterone as part of HRT? Can help with libido, pleasure etc and it’s recommended by Louise Newson and co but some specialists are against it. Interestingly, although it’s said to help with all sorts of peri/menopause symptoms including brain fog and aches and pains, doctors are only licensed to prescribe it for lack of libido in England. On an HRT forum I’m a member of, some women have expressed outrage that it’s only prescribed for that reason, seeing it as the patriarchy in action - ie you can only get testosterone to benefit the man in the equation (in a heterosexual partnership). And many women feel really strongly that they are 100% happy with their declining libido and resent any suggestion that they ‘should’ be keeping it going…
This is the thing about testosterone in the UK – off-licence prescription is the only way for us to get it if the symptoms sit outside of what they're 'allowed' to prescribe it for and, anecdotally, I hear reports of having to work out the gel dose on a suck-it-and-see basis since it's only been properly tested on men. FFS. Patriarchy again right there.
Yes, I tried it and had to use the tiniest amount of a gel made for men, but even so the dose was too big and I ended up with daily splitting headaches and gave up
This is great writing Lindsay, and I so appreciate your openness and honesty on the matter. I have been thinking a lot about pleasure recently. I think a huge part of our culture would quite like it if women in the their 40s+ just shut up about having desires, longings, wants, needs, almost like we've done our bit/had our chance and should now just go knit quietly in a dark corner. But no... we will not! Important conversation and I am here for it.
Absolutely, Kelly. And that pleasure and desire for more in all its forms is valid and far more the experience of women in midlife than we perhaps have been ready, societally, to accept. I’m here for it all, and hoping this conversation continues to evolve. x
JENNY! Thank you so much for this response and for sharing it with your pals. The conversation is rich, empowering and consoling in equal measure and I am here for more.
Just wanted to mention that the doctors can't tell from one bloodtest whether your levels are normal. My doctor told me they'd have to track my cycle and my blood levels for at least 6 weeks to see whether it was low for me.
Hi Claire! Exactly this. It's infuriating, and so personalised. I've been told that I need to have my bloods done on days 1-4 of my cycle, and last time was told day 18 or thereabouts... Having spoken to others including Layla O'Mara (who I owe a voicenote to!) this is what we should be asking for if they're not going to allow us HRT on symptoms alone. She, though, had to go private for this as it's not something that's funded in Ireland.
The comments are absolutely brilliant, Harriet. The sense of community, solidarity and the willingness to be open with one another is incredible. I'm learning A LOT.
HRT has recently sorted this for me - though I am the grand old age of 43 and had also developed a less reliable libido. Great read, thank you and good luck!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUUUUUU for vocalizing EVERYTHING here and sayin' it put LOUD! Every woman whatever age she is deserves to reach orgasm and experience that and it's lovely during sex with another someone but also just as pleasurable (sometimes more) when you part with "Hand Solo" 😉 or something vibracious. This post has me asking if you're getting enough goji, maybe there's something in your diet that could help spur things on? Maybe it's time to order the Kama Sutra if you haven't already and make it a kind of recipe book where you try a different dish every week (every day? Every hour?) I think menopause really is a stage where our bodies begin to go crazy like it's our last hurrah or something but having been menopausal for many years now, I can attest, my own desire has not ever dissipated nor thankfully my ability to play every note on the xylophone if you get my meaning. So I hope hope HOPE this can be resolved for you Lindsay!!! I KNOW you can do this and when you resolve it on all our behalf's you better fucking write about it!!!
Finally I will add: I've always been somewhat inappropriate in speaking about sex/my body/fucking. Now when I look back I wonder if it was my ADD that I didn't generally have a filter. But I realized long ago that whatever I said was often deemed inappropriate. I spoke up. I spoke back. I just wouldn't shut up. And when that's the norm and the alternative is silencing yourself to make others comfy, then you realize perhaps the best approach is that you begin to worry less about what other people think. Which is very VERY VERRRRRRRY freeing.
Also I laughed out loud at this gem of a paragraph: "So, woe is me. I can’t come and I’m sad. I read this back and wonder if I’m just the new Naomi Wolf, crying about her lost orgasm while the world burns. Some women never come. Some do, but only sometimes. Where do I get off prioritising my pleasure over a whole lot of other things, and not just that but telling you all about it?"
Where do you get off indeed? And how? And why? And wherefore? And please don't stop telling us!!! I adore your courage and your zero BS, no-nonsense approach to getting shite spoken about and resolved. You GO, Glaswegian Girl! 😘❤️😅😎
OK: item one GOJI. NO. I have no goji in my life but will rectify upon the morrow.
Item two: delighted that your pleasure has not diminished / gone wonky during peri and meno. This is cheering for me, and I delight in the news of others' joy in this regard. Keep flying the flag!
Three: I, too, know that in the dim and distant past, I over-spoke about my sex life, but had consigned that to the pre-spouse era. It's funny (or perhaps it's not, actually?) that with this relationship I closed off / closed down discussion around sex with my friends. In fact we really don't talk about it at all. I'll be with my oldest pals, though, in a couple of weeks' time. Will this conversation change us all, I wonder? Definitely entering my giving fewer fucks era, I'll say that.
Four: THANK YOU for your honest sharing and your encouragement, Nancy. I really felt like I was over-sharing in posting this but knew inside it was also the right thing to do. And LOOK at the comments. People do want to talk about sex, pleasure and our right to it after all, and so many of them have loved your comment. Let's keep it up, and encourage others into the fold. So many in DMs as well, which I also can't quite believe. Totally respect those commenting privately and trusting me with their experiences.
I meant that - most of what I said in my youth was construed as inappropriate (not for the most part sexually but when I did speak about sex, I’d joke about it to my mother and she felt that was wildly inappropriate. I suppose she didn’t want to imagine I was having it as a young, unmarried woman LOL but I do know ADD is attached to the jokes I would make. I never made fun of people or their sex life - only my own, basically. Or I’d talk about my period or I’d talk about menstruation/endo or about orgasm or body stuff or I’d talk about things like this because we NEED to talk about it - it should have zero shame or taboo attached to a woman’s body. We’ve been raised to whisper in hushed tones about periods, sex, abortion, never mind rape or sexual assault. Lord. These are our bodies. We definitely need to make it all less taboo to discuss our needs, wants, desires, and sex lives/sexuality. It’s human sexuality and we’re all adults.
Definitely not slamming down my laptop lid ;)
Oh well, that's something! X
Haha no I loved it! Love talking about orgasms and mid life sexuality! 😃
We need more of it, I think. It's not easy though... X
No, it isn't but I think a new conversation is opening and we're seeing a lot of books on the topic starting to come through. It's no where near redressing the balance but bravery from writers like you, helps immensely I've no doubt! Especially translating it out of books and into these more relational spaces where actual convos can happen! X
I completely agree. Diving into this had felt terrifying but as it happens, has been incredibly liberating for me and for others who’ve taken the time to bravely share where they’re at. We need straight-talking around women’s desire and pleasure (in all forms) and SS is definitely a place for us to meet around the metaphorical watercooler, isn’t it?
Ok So!!!!
I have SO much to write and say and feel it needs a looong conversation over wine! Coffee! But maybe that zoom we’ve been floating will be a start…
I’m drafting a post at mo about peri-m and HRT so we are definitely on the same page! (I just started oestrogen- only HRT about 6 weeks ago, it definitely helps my libido).
I’m typing on my phone and can’t think straight enough and scroll back to your words to trigger all the things I want to say, so I’ll be back on my laptop tomorrow, but jeeeez thanks for writing and I’m right behind ya on it all… post incoming also. And let’s have that zoom chat asap!
Yes to all of this, and most definitely our Zoom chat. I feel our plans for All Fours aligning with our peri-chat, don't you?!
100% I kinda thought this might be the case… 👍
Ugh 🤦🏻♀️ so many typos: that's meant to read "party" with Hand Solo. I'm waving bye bye now. (With one hand 😂😅😌)
Hilarious, Nancy!!! Off to read your comment now!
I saw the title of this on your Instagram post and I came straight over (haha, excuse the pun) I am HERE for this conversation. But not straight away - I'll be back because I have THOUGHTS. For now, thank you for opening the door to this topic because no, you are not alone.
Cannot wait for your take!
Ok, thoughts formed and articulated - coherently, I hope. Here we go:
Firstly, HRT - blood tests are notoriously unreliable when it comes to detecting changes in hormone levels during peri as they fluctuate so wildly, so it’s unfortunate that your GP is relying on this for prescribing hormones. They can prescribe before age 45 on symptoms alone, as far as I’m aware, you just need to find yourself a sympathetic practitioner. I’d keep pushing on the fact you’ve got a range of noticeable symptoms and emphasise the impact on your quality of life, including this particular element of your life!
That said. I am on HRT, a fairly high dose now, and unfortunately it’s not been a magic wand in terms of what we’re discussing here. I have the kind of physical symptoms which involve a daily regime of applying various creams, lotions and potions just to maintain borderline normal conditions for sex to even take place (and yes, that is as sexy as it sounds)- but perhaps more fundamentally, desire is still elusive and I’m really missing it. There’s nothing like that rush of excitement, the urge to jump on someone and enjoy that deep level of intimacy - and it’s been absent for too long. I think it can sort of cramp your style creatively too - it’s like you’re missing an important element of your imagination or one of your senses is lacking perhaps?
So yes, the big O stands for Occasional here, and certainly not as intense as I’d like it to be. I’ve only recently discovered the toys you speak of (what can I say, I’ve been a repressed ‘good girl’ for far too long) and they are helpful… but I’m still asking why I need them. I would like these to be a bonus extra to a satisfying sexual experience, not a requirement.
It’s frustrating because it’s taken me 40-odd years to feel much more confident in myself and better connected to my sexuality - but simultaneously the sensual experience has become dulled or at times has vanished altogether. I just want to feel in the mood for sex and to actually fully enjoy it when it happens - is that too much to ask?!
To paraphrase: Woe is me. I can come occasionally, but not very satisfactorily and only during a very narrow window of opportunity when mental, physical and external conditions are all aligned, and I’m sad.
Firstly, that final paragraph. Julianne, I hear this so clearly. The holy fucking trinity, shall we call it? Sorry, pal. And surely it shouldn't be too much to ask for us to feel in the mood for sex, to fully enjoy it and come. Really, we're not asking for much at all, and no more than a man gets every bloody time.
Although I'm sad that HRT hasn't been the magic bullet, I wonder what it would be like without it? I'm willing to accept that it might not completely fix me and that other components might play a part as well, but like you, I don't want to NEED a sex toy. I want to be able to experience good sex and they as you say use something as an adjunct. A bonus. As much as we now deride Naomi Wolf and the Vagina book, I was sold on what she said about the orgasm - creativity axis. I really do think that when we're attuned to our bodies and feeling good in them in that way that our creative energy also flows?
You've also touched on a massively important issue of vaginal/vulval conditions and the impact changes can have on our ability - mechanically - to have sex. Lube is a must, as you'll know, and maintaining the pH as well which I've found really bothersome at times even when doing my best with it all. Honestly, it's a minefield and the products on the shelves can do more harm than good. I take a specific prebiotic that has (apparently) been formulated with specific strains of bacteria that supports vaginal health and I also take a cranberry supplement for the UTI issue. Actually not been as bothered recently by the UTI-thrush-UTI-thrush cycle, but if I do get a UTI the vicious cycle returns... It's miserable and totally kills any desire I have, of course!
I think the HRT in various forms is helping at last, and I definitely think I'd be in a much worst state all round without it! Mentally and physically. The fact that I'm missing desire feels like a good sign, as up until fairly recently I didn't really care much about sex at all, and could quite happily go without. Now there's been a shift and I feel like sometimes the urge is there, lurking just out of reach, so I'm working to try and find it and recover some kind of normal, or a new normal maybe? I'm ready to begin my midlife sexual revolution, but it feels like bloody hard work!
And I’m looking around for stories of women who have experienced this and overcome it - whether for solutions they can share or just for the sense of hope that this phase isn't forever - but as you've highlighted, I can’t find any of these stories, it's just not discussed enough.
Reading all of this back, including yours and everyone's comments I can't help but think about how much hard work - literal blood, sweat and tears sometimes - it is to maintain some kind of 'normality' with our bodies at this stage. It seems so, so unbalanced when compared with men.
That last paragraph. Exactly that. And yes to more discussion and a 'can do' optimism as well as the nitty-gritty reality. I want this to be a positive shift in my life and cannot really accept the narrative of peri and meno we in the west are fed. I've been looking at the words used by other cultures and LOVE the Japanese word which doesn't mean menopause exactly, for it doesn't situate the end of periods as quite so much and abrupt stop as we do. They describe the transition time as far longer than we do (because it is) and see it as a portal, an oppot for growth and good change... Hmm.
YES LINDSAY! I’m so grateful that you wrote this. Along with some other peri symptoms I have noticed this recently 😭 my reaction was just for FUCK’S SAKE … as well being advised to cut out all the fun stuff to ease perimenopause effects (caffeine, sugar, wine etc) we also don’t get to COME?! Orgasms matter, pleasure matters, an experience of pleasure means we are nicer and more useful to people and the world is a better place! I also need to set aside a few hours to read all these comments and follow all the links!
AND I’m feeling like a follow-up post with the links and recommendations from all the DMs has to come next!
yes please!
I didn’t want to forget books - F’ck Like a Goddess by Alexandra Roxo; Urban Tantra by Barbara Carralles; of course Come you are by Emily Nagoski ; Want Me by Tracy Clark-Flory; the Body is not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor; Merry Jane's The CBD Solution: Sex: How Cannabis, CBD, and Other Plant Allies Can Improve Your Everyday Life
YES! Taking note NOW.
I was down this rabbit hole a few years ago and tried HRT even (my body didn’t like it). In your bevy of items do you have something for vaginal, vulva or yoni mapping? There’s also wands you can get for fascia release in the womb. It will return, just differently. There’s also CBD and a whole lot of other fun things to try out. I found the cadence was just different from my late 40s into now my start of 50. Hang in there, this is a much needed topic for discussion.
OK. All of this is news to me, Tracy. I have NEVER heard of yoni mapping, and womb facia release sounds AMAZING. I haven’t taken CBD oil for ages, and wasn’t aware that it had an impact on pleasure so will investigate as this feels doable.
Additionally our needs/tastes change as we age. Trying new things like ethically sourced porn - Dipsea (aura stories for stimulation) ; video - Lust Cinema , bellesaPlus or Afterglow. Bellesa also sells sex items. For sexual care - make sure your using a cleanser developed for feminine wash as it’s ph set to that area. I use Rael.
Tracy, you need to be writing a whole SS on this! You are the new oracle!
An idea for a series for sure. There’s the whole jewelry thing with necklaces and bracelets that are handcuffs and vibrators (hello Crave), and of course kink which is another rabbit hole.
I am so green to all of this! I need to create a document...
Check out Foria - https://www.foriawellness.com/. And Chakrubs - https://chakrubs.com/. They sometimes have the Generous, which is a large wand that can be used for mapping and inner fascia release. Crystal wands can be a great addition because the different ones do additional work, such as black obsidian is good for release of inner restrictions and shadow. Chakrubs has workbooks and an Etsy site (discounted items on there)
Man alive! Black obsidian is one of the crystals I feel incredibly attuned with at the moment – this feels like a sign...
I can’t stress this enough - make sure you use the right lube for what you’re doing. There’s cbd infused lube, and arousal oils meant to help get the engines going. Let me know if you want recommendations. I spent a couple years down this way learning, taking classes, etc.
Definitely lube. Been experimenting with different types and v much on board! Have you come across Emily Nagoski on here?
Yes. I enjoy reading her. Have you checked out the Kama app? Also check out Lovers store, I got a lube warmer there. Separately my favorite is Lelo’s or Unbound’s Jelly and then Maude (fav vibrator) has good massage oil.
I have so many open tabs on my laptop, Tracy, I can’t tell you…
Bravo for airing this issue and sorry your orgasm has gone on holiday- it will return-
Quite possibly a hormonal change, the menopause creeps over us in so many ways often in ultra stealth mode, holding us hostage.
Lelo.com have some wicked clitoral stimulation sucky type gizmo and it allows you to go from 0-60 in teenage time 😍. Other timeframes are available.
No one will slam the laptop lid down either, we’re often on our phones 🤣
🕊️🕊️🕊️
Definitely going with the 'On holiday' interp, Jane. Not AWOL, not gone forever. And you're right – I know that from speaking to other GPs and other women that its best practice to treat the symptoms rather than rely on bloods so I'm hopeful I'll be able to put a bit more pressure on now...
This and the comments needs to be a book! Power to you Lindsay! ❤️ I’ve got a good feeling about where you’re headed.
We are indeed moving in that very direction, friend...
Very much here for, and appreciative of your openness Lindsay 🙌🏻 Have you read much about testosterone as part of HRT? Can help with libido, pleasure etc and it’s recommended by Louise Newson and co but some specialists are against it. Interestingly, although it’s said to help with all sorts of peri/menopause symptoms including brain fog and aches and pains, doctors are only licensed to prescribe it for lack of libido in England. On an HRT forum I’m a member of, some women have expressed outrage that it’s only prescribed for that reason, seeing it as the patriarchy in action - ie you can only get testosterone to benefit the man in the equation (in a heterosexual partnership). And many women feel really strongly that they are 100% happy with their declining libido and resent any suggestion that they ‘should’ be keeping it going…
This is the thing about testosterone in the UK – off-licence prescription is the only way for us to get it if the symptoms sit outside of what they're 'allowed' to prescribe it for and, anecdotally, I hear reports of having to work out the gel dose on a suck-it-and-see basis since it's only been properly tested on men. FFS. Patriarchy again right there.
Yes, I tried it and had to use the tiniest amount of a gel made for men, but even so the dose was too big and I ended up with daily splitting headaches and gave up
This is great writing Lindsay, and I so appreciate your openness and honesty on the matter. I have been thinking a lot about pleasure recently. I think a huge part of our culture would quite like it if women in the their 40s+ just shut up about having desires, longings, wants, needs, almost like we've done our bit/had our chance and should now just go knit quietly in a dark corner. But no... we will not! Important conversation and I am here for it.
Absolutely, Kelly. And that pleasure and desire for more in all its forms is valid and far more the experience of women in midlife than we perhaps have been ready, societally, to accept. I’m here for it all, and hoping this conversation continues to evolve. x
Best I read in a long time! Sending to all my just over 40 friends.
JENNY! Thank you so much for this response and for sharing it with your pals. The conversation is rich, empowering and consoling in equal measure and I am here for more.
Just wanted to mention that the doctors can't tell from one bloodtest whether your levels are normal. My doctor told me they'd have to track my cycle and my blood levels for at least 6 weeks to see whether it was low for me.
Hi Claire! Exactly this. It's infuriating, and so personalised. I've been told that I need to have my bloods done on days 1-4 of my cycle, and last time was told day 18 or thereabouts... Having spoken to others including Layla O'Mara (who I owe a voicenote to!) this is what we should be asking for if they're not going to allow us HRT on symptoms alone. She, though, had to go private for this as it's not something that's funded in Ireland.
Brilliantly written, and bravo for opening up the conversation. I’m loving the conversations you’ve started on the back of it.
The comments are absolutely brilliant, Harriet. The sense of community, solidarity and the willingness to be open with one another is incredible. I'm learning A LOT.
You're not the only one!
Bravo for SS!
HRT has recently sorted this for me - though I am the grand old age of 43 and had also developed a less reliable libido. Great read, thank you and good luck!
Thanks, Anna! Oh, I am cheered by this news! X