A very honest post Lindsay on something that is so hard to talk about. My husband is fifteen years sober but we had some incredibly difficult years and even parted for a couple of years. I attended Al Anon for quite a while. I stopped drinking during some of that time but resumed when it felt safe to do so. I have stopped and started many times. Like you I enjoyed a drink in the evenings and some lunchtimes on a nice sunny day or holidays. But it did me no good and I stopped several months ago and feel so much better for it. We don’t socialise much now, which makes it easier. People seem to find it a problem if you don’t drink, which is hard to cope with sometimes.
Completely agree, Angela. I'm writing an update for this coming Sunday a year on from this post and am talking a bit about socialising. For me, one-on-one social situations are the worst. I always drink far more than I intended to and feel back for not having had the ability, for all kinds of reasons, to stop. Congratulations to your husband and to you for having made such a big change. I definitely feel better when I'm not drinking, but that's tied also to making healthier food and sleep choices as a result, I think. No midnight chocolate haha!
I drink too much. I know that. My husband doesn’t drink a lot, except sometimes he goes a little barmy. I join in enthusiastically because I’m going to get a chance to get a but drunk. Normally, he’s quite scathing about the amount I drink. So is my daughter (24).
My sister drinks too. She says it makes life bearable. I agree. It may not make us more interesting but it certainly works that magic on our spouses. A nice glass of something helps a long evening watching their choice of tv go by more swiftly too. I have tried not drinking. I have even given it up for a month. It never sticks. Time drags so awfully. What to do?
Hi Helen. Thank you so much for your honesty. I completely relate to the wanting to get drunk bit - I definitely tried to make sure that I got more than my fair share of bottles of wine with friends, for example, and would have a drink before leaving the house to give me a bit of a head start. I don't do that now, but it's taken a long time to get there. I hear what you're saying, too, about time dragging - evenings especially if your routine is to have something to drink that alters our experience of time passing. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do next. I think we all come at it in our own ways and in our own time. Take care of yourself.
This is so fascinating, and our relationship to alcohol so complex. While never much of a drinker, I did notice it turned into a daily thing during COVID. Growing up with Central/Eastern European parents, it's very normalized. Shots in the evening are "medicinal." While wine is still my "poison" (yikes!) of choice, I wonder how much my belief that it's "good for me' allows me to continue.
I completely hear you on all of this, Leah. I was listening to a podcast the other day with the Glucose Goddess, Jesse Inchauspe, where she said that basically no drink is good for you, even read wine and organic cider (my two choices because of the polyphenols!) so if you're going to drink then make it the one that you love and will enjoy the best, whatever that means to you... She'd caveat that with making sure it wasn't on an empty stomach and followed protein as well, I'm sure! It's so hard. I had a drink the other night and then the next day felt awful and I'm sure the two weren't entirely unrelated...
So well said. I had limited my drinking a lot over the last year but have recently noticed an uptick, knowing much of what you mentioned here about the awful health implications of alcohol. I'm tucking this article into the back of my mind for safekeeping. <3
Gave it away completely 8yrs ago at the age of 50, best thing i’ve ever done! Better sleep, better relationships, more energy, more time for creative pursuits ( not worry around how much I was drinking!) and i’m sure helped me have a relatively ‘easy’ menopause. So many brilliant authors on the subject too, particularly love Catherine Gray’s Unexpected Joy Of Being Sober
I'm absolutely here for this menopause chat, and am writing about this very topic for Sunday's post. So glad that you have been able to gain so much from stopping!
I've had a bit of a different path to sobriety but can still see many parallels in some of our experiences. I drank often in my twenties but then stopped to try for a baby, which ended up taking longer than I anticipated. When I did have my babies I was then too tired for a long time to drink as it would put me straight to sleep. My tolerance is now zero and to me a small drink is not worth the almost instant hangover I seem to get. Plus I realised I didn't really miss the drinking that much. I did enjoy going to whiskey tastings, and might consider going back very occasionally when my children are a bit older. Until then I'm happy with some of the alcohol free wines I've found for special occasions and just order a nice mocktail when I'm out.
HI Alina, and thanks for taking the time to reply. I get what you're saying about the tolerance thing... In fact I had a couple of small glasses of white wine on Saturday night and felt them go straight to my head in a way I wouldn't have before (which I'm glad of because I didn't tjhen keep drinking!)
This is really authentic and I appreciate having stumbled across it! I think the more we hear honest stories like this out in the open, the better off we will be.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment, Hannah. It really means a lot, and you're right. Shame thrives in the dark, as Brené Brown says.
As ever your honesty is such a gift, Lindsay. And this piece clearly seems to have resonated with so many of us.
I relate to a lot.
I had about five months off last year after getting to a bit of a desperate point with low energy. I'd also, like so many of us, developed a daily drink habit during lockdown that continued. I 'rewarded' myself at the end of each working day with a lovely glass from our Wine Society box. Then when it wasn't a 'school night' I'd have more. I never thought I could stop because "wine is such a big part of our relationship". One of the rare things we both enjoy together. Now, I haven't stopped completely, I just have a drink when I feel like it which is much rarer now. And often it's a disappointment as it doesn't hit like it used to. I (annoyingly) do feel better. I think it's such a personal thing and, for me, it had to be when I was moved to stop. Not because I 'should'.
That's exactly what was happening to us, Janelle. The thing about it being 'good quality' wine from a lovely subscription service, too, definitely made me feel like it was somehow 'better', when of course it's no different at all...
We are different ages, living in different countries yet your story is so similar to mine. Thank you for sharing bravely in this post, I know how difficult it may have been. I would love to leave a long comment because I have so much to say but am dashing off to work so will drop this here for now❤
My husband has been sober now for 18months. I drink much much less than when we were partners in crime with a bottle or 2. Our drinking really ramped up in Covid and I found it was a real connection for us. Took me a while to accept that sort of connecting was no longer on the menu. Made me sad at first, then made me really look at my relationship with booze. And then? Well I certainly drink less, much less and only occasionally now - but I love a glass of good wine and a celebratory champagne and don’t beat myself up when I succumb to the temptation. I think very consciously about why I want a drink and dont go there if it is to numb a feeling, thought, or complex. Just to celebrate now. ❤️
That's it, exactly. Thanks for this, Cathy. I may have a drink tonight when out at a gig, but only one because I want to enjoy the music as well as the company.
I want to thank you for this post. Its candor opens space for honest reflection.
My relationship with alcohol is certainly different than it was in my youth. But the last time I really tied one on wasn’t that many years ago, and I wasn’t that young. I am glad I made it through those years when I drank without thinking why or hitting the brakes when I ought to have. I don’t necessarily say this with a lot of regret. They were what they were, those years, those choices. Me doing the best I could with what I had and knew and knew of myself then. But I am glad I know more now.
Thanks, Holly. I'm blown away by how this is landing with folk. Really clear that we need a space for this kind of honest conversation around our dysfunction around alcohol. You're right. There is no benefit in regretting what was; only in using our experiences to inform how we choose to show up in the world today. Thanks for sharing your experience and I wish you well. x
I have a very complicated relationship with alcohol. My step dad was an alcoholic. And from an early age, I witnessed the damage and fear his drinking caused. Fast forward to my teenage years, when drinking to be cool was wildly celebrated. Even my boyfriends back then were all drinkers.
As an adult living in Las Vegas, I took jobs as a casino cocktail waitress and then a bartender where I would rely heavily on tips from drinkers in order to support my family. I would often make fun of the drunks in my sections as they stumbled around the casino floor. Judging them but also feeling responsible that I encouraged their crazy behavior. They were so weak but I felt sorry for them..
It all sounds messed up now, right?
Today, alcohol still carries a lot stigma for me. I still struggle with how it makes me feel. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it.
That ambivalence, Rachel. I so identify with what you're saying. I am facing a night out tonight and haven't yet decided whether I'll drink. I'm going with my husband, who won't be drinking of course, but I might feel like a glass of wine. Or not. I'm going to try to listen to what my body is telling me rather than just get a drink because that's what I normally do... Thanks for sharing.
Hi Lindsay. I appreciate this post and your candidness.
For many many years, my relationship with alcohol was very unhealthy. I shudder to think how many weekends (too many to count) in my 20's, 30's and 40's, I woke up the next morning with alcohol anxiety wondering if I took things too far, what did I say, did I hurt anyone's feelings, etc. etc. etc. in my attempt to be funny. I always had a tendency to be hard on myself, but fact is, I was sloppy, I smoked cigarettes when I drank--and I was NOT a smoker--and I couldn't stand myself the next morning one way or another, given my lack of self-worth. I always questioned my inability to find an off switch.
I am now 59. Those days are way behind me and I learned how to appreciate my worth. I am no longer chasing a buzz or numbing myself, but I do love a great glass of Cabernet and an IPA. Last January and now January of this year, I did dry January and I felt great without the alcohol. I discovered Athletic Brewing's (non-alcoholic beer brewers) IPA's and it was a gamechanger, given I love the flavor. I, like you, do not know if I will quit entirely, but I sure like waking up without a headache or hangover. I've had enough of those to last a lifetime.
Hey Charlene, thanks for sharing your experience. I, too, smoked in my 20s when I drank and have since found out it's one of the WORST things you can do! Oh well... We can only move forwards with our fingers very much crossed we've dodged the worst impacts, can't we? Also sounds like you have a really healthy attitude towards alcohol's place in your life. I am heading out this evening and might have a glass of wine... Or might not. I'll make a conscious choice either way, rather than an automatic one.
Thank you for sharing Linsday - it's incredibly courageous to be so honest and I'm sure so many people will relate. I'm 4 years sober - took me 18 months mainly thanks to Annie Grace's This Naked Mind - have you heard of it? There is a book, podcast, free 30 Day alcohol experiment (which I did twice) and other resources. All about dismantling our beliefs around alcohol: does it REALLY help me relax? Does it really help me sleep? Does it really taste good?
Now I've quit drinking it means I feel ALL the feelings and it means I can show up for myself lovingly every time now, rather than trying to numb out.
Becoming addicted to alcohol - or any substance or behaviour - is such a normal human thing to do (the book The Biology of Desire is a fascinating read on this, and how addiction to alcohol is not a disease) and so understandable, especially when we experienced trauma and unsafe circumstances as a child, which you did.
Hey Ellie, I haven't come across this title but will definitely add it to my tbr list, thank you. Sounds like a really valuable and flexible resource, too. I really resonate with what you're saying about feeling all the feelings... We drink as a means to feel something different to our authentic feelings, if you know what I mean? Or to artificially augment them, whether they're good or bad feelings, I think?
Yes - do you find that you are trying to change the difficult feelings, as well as enhance the positive ones? Or even enhance the bad ones?
For me it was all about escaping painful feelings but I definitely see how when we link alcohol to love/connection/joy we think that happy occasions and experiences can only be made better by alcohol. When actually all those positive feelings are coming from the experience, the connection, the love - not from the booze.
One thing that's great to ponder is: did you need booze as a child, to feel joy and happiness? Even if your childhood was tough, there will be moments of playfulness or wonder or love that were just pure and innocent. Quitting drinking has meant I've been able to experience all these amazing feelings, alongside the difficult ones.
That's such an interesting way to frame it, and perhaps what we seek is a return to a childlike state when we drink? Sidebar, but at the gig I've just come home from where I had one glass of red wine, we commented on the significant prop of folks drinking AF beers. Never seen the like of it before.
Five years and a quarter sober and I know I would not be here if I hadn’t finally managed that. There might be too much to share here in a comment, I hope someday we can chat over coffee! In this last year, through teaching my courses which focus on emergency, ones otherness and ecologies of care, I have entered into a very different relationship with my addiction and with the concept of sober time and it’s told within a late stage capitalist society so fixated on straight time. Sending tenderness, always x
I need to speak to you about this, because I know you always ask of me to consider things through a different lens that has the power to unlock so much.
I've been listening to a radio 3 series called Women of Substance where an addiction specialist who is also in recovery talks about the artists' addiction in the context of their work. The episode on Billie Holiday was so affecting because it confirmed to me something I think you're getting at to do with colonial and patriarchal structures and the punishment and infantalisation of women who have become addicts often in response to the actions of their male persecutors. I wonder if this is where your mind is going, too?
A very honest post Lindsay on something that is so hard to talk about. My husband is fifteen years sober but we had some incredibly difficult years and even parted for a couple of years. I attended Al Anon for quite a while. I stopped drinking during some of that time but resumed when it felt safe to do so. I have stopped and started many times. Like you I enjoyed a drink in the evenings and some lunchtimes on a nice sunny day or holidays. But it did me no good and I stopped several months ago and feel so much better for it. We don’t socialise much now, which makes it easier. People seem to find it a problem if you don’t drink, which is hard to cope with sometimes.
Completely agree, Angela. I'm writing an update for this coming Sunday a year on from this post and am talking a bit about socialising. For me, one-on-one social situations are the worst. I always drink far more than I intended to and feel back for not having had the ability, for all kinds of reasons, to stop. Congratulations to your husband and to you for having made such a big change. I definitely feel better when I'm not drinking, but that's tied also to making healthier food and sleep choices as a result, I think. No midnight chocolate haha!
I drink too much. I know that. My husband doesn’t drink a lot, except sometimes he goes a little barmy. I join in enthusiastically because I’m going to get a chance to get a but drunk. Normally, he’s quite scathing about the amount I drink. So is my daughter (24).
My sister drinks too. She says it makes life bearable. I agree. It may not make us more interesting but it certainly works that magic on our spouses. A nice glass of something helps a long evening watching their choice of tv go by more swiftly too. I have tried not drinking. I have even given it up for a month. It never sticks. Time drags so awfully. What to do?
Hi Helen. Thank you so much for your honesty. I completely relate to the wanting to get drunk bit - I definitely tried to make sure that I got more than my fair share of bottles of wine with friends, for example, and would have a drink before leaving the house to give me a bit of a head start. I don't do that now, but it's taken a long time to get there. I hear what you're saying, too, about time dragging - evenings especially if your routine is to have something to drink that alters our experience of time passing. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do next. I think we all come at it in our own ways and in our own time. Take care of yourself.
This is so fascinating, and our relationship to alcohol so complex. While never much of a drinker, I did notice it turned into a daily thing during COVID. Growing up with Central/Eastern European parents, it's very normalized. Shots in the evening are "medicinal." While wine is still my "poison" (yikes!) of choice, I wonder how much my belief that it's "good for me' allows me to continue.
I completely hear you on all of this, Leah. I was listening to a podcast the other day with the Glucose Goddess, Jesse Inchauspe, where she said that basically no drink is good for you, even read wine and organic cider (my two choices because of the polyphenols!) so if you're going to drink then make it the one that you love and will enjoy the best, whatever that means to you... She'd caveat that with making sure it wasn't on an empty stomach and followed protein as well, I'm sure! It's so hard. I had a drink the other night and then the next day felt awful and I'm sure the two weren't entirely unrelated...
So well said. I had limited my drinking a lot over the last year but have recently noticed an uptick, knowing much of what you mentioned here about the awful health implications of alcohol. I'm tucking this article into the back of my mind for safekeeping. <3
Gave it away completely 8yrs ago at the age of 50, best thing i’ve ever done! Better sleep, better relationships, more energy, more time for creative pursuits ( not worry around how much I was drinking!) and i’m sure helped me have a relatively ‘easy’ menopause. So many brilliant authors on the subject too, particularly love Catherine Gray’s Unexpected Joy Of Being Sober
I'm absolutely here for this menopause chat, and am writing about this very topic for Sunday's post. So glad that you have been able to gain so much from stopping!
I've had a bit of a different path to sobriety but can still see many parallels in some of our experiences. I drank often in my twenties but then stopped to try for a baby, which ended up taking longer than I anticipated. When I did have my babies I was then too tired for a long time to drink as it would put me straight to sleep. My tolerance is now zero and to me a small drink is not worth the almost instant hangover I seem to get. Plus I realised I didn't really miss the drinking that much. I did enjoy going to whiskey tastings, and might consider going back very occasionally when my children are a bit older. Until then I'm happy with some of the alcohol free wines I've found for special occasions and just order a nice mocktail when I'm out.
HI Alina, and thanks for taking the time to reply. I get what you're saying about the tolerance thing... In fact I had a couple of small glasses of white wine on Saturday night and felt them go straight to my head in a way I wouldn't have before (which I'm glad of because I didn't tjhen keep drinking!)
This is really authentic and I appreciate having stumbled across it! I think the more we hear honest stories like this out in the open, the better off we will be.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment, Hannah. It really means a lot, and you're right. Shame thrives in the dark, as Brené Brown says.
As ever your honesty is such a gift, Lindsay. And this piece clearly seems to have resonated with so many of us.
I relate to a lot.
I had about five months off last year after getting to a bit of a desperate point with low energy. I'd also, like so many of us, developed a daily drink habit during lockdown that continued. I 'rewarded' myself at the end of each working day with a lovely glass from our Wine Society box. Then when it wasn't a 'school night' I'd have more. I never thought I could stop because "wine is such a big part of our relationship". One of the rare things we both enjoy together. Now, I haven't stopped completely, I just have a drink when I feel like it which is much rarer now. And often it's a disappointment as it doesn't hit like it used to. I (annoyingly) do feel better. I think it's such a personal thing and, for me, it had to be when I was moved to stop. Not because I 'should'.
That's exactly what was happening to us, Janelle. The thing about it being 'good quality' wine from a lovely subscription service, too, definitely made me feel like it was somehow 'better', when of course it's no different at all...
There is so much truth in these thoughts. Thank you!
So glad it's landed with you, Bethany. X
We are different ages, living in different countries yet your story is so similar to mine. Thank you for sharing bravely in this post, I know how difficult it may have been. I would love to leave a long comment because I have so much to say but am dashing off to work so will drop this here for now❤
https://donnamcarthur.substack.com/p/my-sober-life
Thanks for this, Donna. I've saved it for later!
My husband has been sober now for 18months. I drink much much less than when we were partners in crime with a bottle or 2. Our drinking really ramped up in Covid and I found it was a real connection for us. Took me a while to accept that sort of connecting was no longer on the menu. Made me sad at first, then made me really look at my relationship with booze. And then? Well I certainly drink less, much less and only occasionally now - but I love a glass of good wine and a celebratory champagne and don’t beat myself up when I succumb to the temptation. I think very consciously about why I want a drink and dont go there if it is to numb a feeling, thought, or complex. Just to celebrate now. ❤️
That's it, exactly. Thanks for this, Cathy. I may have a drink tonight when out at a gig, but only one because I want to enjoy the music as well as the company.
I want to thank you for this post. Its candor opens space for honest reflection.
My relationship with alcohol is certainly different than it was in my youth. But the last time I really tied one on wasn’t that many years ago, and I wasn’t that young. I am glad I made it through those years when I drank without thinking why or hitting the brakes when I ought to have. I don’t necessarily say this with a lot of regret. They were what they were, those years, those choices. Me doing the best I could with what I had and knew and knew of myself then. But I am glad I know more now.
Thanks, Holly. I'm blown away by how this is landing with folk. Really clear that we need a space for this kind of honest conversation around our dysfunction around alcohol. You're right. There is no benefit in regretting what was; only in using our experiences to inform how we choose to show up in the world today. Thanks for sharing your experience and I wish you well. x
I have a very complicated relationship with alcohol. My step dad was an alcoholic. And from an early age, I witnessed the damage and fear his drinking caused. Fast forward to my teenage years, when drinking to be cool was wildly celebrated. Even my boyfriends back then were all drinkers.
As an adult living in Las Vegas, I took jobs as a casino cocktail waitress and then a bartender where I would rely heavily on tips from drinkers in order to support my family. I would often make fun of the drunks in my sections as they stumbled around the casino floor. Judging them but also feeling responsible that I encouraged their crazy behavior. They were so weak but I felt sorry for them..
It all sounds messed up now, right?
Today, alcohol still carries a lot stigma for me. I still struggle with how it makes me feel. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it.
That ambivalence, Rachel. I so identify with what you're saying. I am facing a night out tonight and haven't yet decided whether I'll drink. I'm going with my husband, who won't be drinking of course, but I might feel like a glass of wine. Or not. I'm going to try to listen to what my body is telling me rather than just get a drink because that's what I normally do... Thanks for sharing.
Hi Lindsay. I appreciate this post and your candidness.
For many many years, my relationship with alcohol was very unhealthy. I shudder to think how many weekends (too many to count) in my 20's, 30's and 40's, I woke up the next morning with alcohol anxiety wondering if I took things too far, what did I say, did I hurt anyone's feelings, etc. etc. etc. in my attempt to be funny. I always had a tendency to be hard on myself, but fact is, I was sloppy, I smoked cigarettes when I drank--and I was NOT a smoker--and I couldn't stand myself the next morning one way or another, given my lack of self-worth. I always questioned my inability to find an off switch.
I am now 59. Those days are way behind me and I learned how to appreciate my worth. I am no longer chasing a buzz or numbing myself, but I do love a great glass of Cabernet and an IPA. Last January and now January of this year, I did dry January and I felt great without the alcohol. I discovered Athletic Brewing's (non-alcoholic beer brewers) IPA's and it was a gamechanger, given I love the flavor. I, like you, do not know if I will quit entirely, but I sure like waking up without a headache or hangover. I've had enough of those to last a lifetime.
Hey Charlene, thanks for sharing your experience. I, too, smoked in my 20s when I drank and have since found out it's one of the WORST things you can do! Oh well... We can only move forwards with our fingers very much crossed we've dodged the worst impacts, can't we? Also sounds like you have a really healthy attitude towards alcohol's place in your life. I am heading out this evening and might have a glass of wine... Or might not. I'll make a conscious choice either way, rather than an automatic one.
Thank you for sharing Linsday - it's incredibly courageous to be so honest and I'm sure so many people will relate. I'm 4 years sober - took me 18 months mainly thanks to Annie Grace's This Naked Mind - have you heard of it? There is a book, podcast, free 30 Day alcohol experiment (which I did twice) and other resources. All about dismantling our beliefs around alcohol: does it REALLY help me relax? Does it really help me sleep? Does it really taste good?
Now I've quit drinking it means I feel ALL the feelings and it means I can show up for myself lovingly every time now, rather than trying to numb out.
Becoming addicted to alcohol - or any substance or behaviour - is such a normal human thing to do (the book The Biology of Desire is a fascinating read on this, and how addiction to alcohol is not a disease) and so understandable, especially when we experienced trauma and unsafe circumstances as a child, which you did.
Sending you so much love on your journey xx
Hey Ellie, I haven't come across this title but will definitely add it to my tbr list, thank you. Sounds like a really valuable and flexible resource, too. I really resonate with what you're saying about feeling all the feelings... We drink as a means to feel something different to our authentic feelings, if you know what I mean? Or to artificially augment them, whether they're good or bad feelings, I think?
Yes - do you find that you are trying to change the difficult feelings, as well as enhance the positive ones? Or even enhance the bad ones?
For me it was all about escaping painful feelings but I definitely see how when we link alcohol to love/connection/joy we think that happy occasions and experiences can only be made better by alcohol. When actually all those positive feelings are coming from the experience, the connection, the love - not from the booze.
One thing that's great to ponder is: did you need booze as a child, to feel joy and happiness? Even if your childhood was tough, there will be moments of playfulness or wonder or love that were just pure and innocent. Quitting drinking has meant I've been able to experience all these amazing feelings, alongside the difficult ones.
That's such an interesting way to frame it, and perhaps what we seek is a return to a childlike state when we drink? Sidebar, but at the gig I've just come home from where I had one glass of red wine, we commented on the significant prop of folks drinking AF beers. Never seen the like of it before.
Thank you for speaking your truth. I’m
Five years and a quarter sober and I know I would not be here if I hadn’t finally managed that. There might be too much to share here in a comment, I hope someday we can chat over coffee! In this last year, through teaching my courses which focus on emergency, ones otherness and ecologies of care, I have entered into a very different relationship with my addiction and with the concept of sober time and it’s told within a late stage capitalist society so fixated on straight time. Sending tenderness, always x
I need to speak to you about this, because I know you always ask of me to consider things through a different lens that has the power to unlock so much.
I've been listening to a radio 3 series called Women of Substance where an addiction specialist who is also in recovery talks about the artists' addiction in the context of their work. The episode on Billie Holiday was so affecting because it confirmed to me something I think you're getting at to do with colonial and patriarchal structures and the punishment and infantalisation of women who have become addicts often in response to the actions of their male persecutors. I wonder if this is where your mind is going, too?