As a mum of both girl and boys I have to play it differently with each, which also leads to a whole bunch of trouble when they want the same! The boys is usually physical risk to avert - had a multi-agency cliff rescue just this weekend - but for the girls it’s more mood management / support after hideously late nights. She’s only 11 so I’m glad I read your piece as I also want to be always available - the house they want to be in.
Oof, I'm in the thick of parenting a sassy ('Well you did call me Saskia, mum, what did you expect') 15 year old and it's challenging me in so many ways, even though she's the youngest of three. We've had vaping issues, alcohol being smuggled in for a sleepover (I called the parents and sent all them all home), not to mention increasing levels of independence. Even though we live in a very safe town and she has a good set of friends (plus you can't do anything in this community without someone seeing you & reporting back) I still worry when she's out. That said she's a strong character and has her head screwed on when it comes to the friendship dramas that come with the territory at this age. So much to say on this subject and a big thank you for opening it up.
This is such a powerful and insightful piece, pal. Our being-parented so affects our parenting. It's something that I've done a bit of a deep dive on this year. Not always comfortable! My kids are still very little (4;3) and I think what I'm wading through at the moment is the anxiety of what you so clearly articulate here. I'm anticipating the behaviours and the inevitable mistakes my own history will lead me to make. I can feel it! I'm also a trauma-experienced parent (sibling loss) and that adds a whole other layer to this. Going to think on this one and report back...
Mother of two tween boys and I’m trying to come to terms with being one of the strict mums rather than one of the cool ones. It all comes down to screen time at the moment. Particularly for our nearly 12 year old, who’s told us that his friends’ parents let them play as much computer games and watch as much YouTube as they want, and we...don’t. We set limits because we can see how dysregulated he gets when he plays for hours on end. We check age ratings because he swears he’s ready for a 15 but then stays up half the night quietly freaking out about a scary film he watched at a sleepover. I think we’re making the right choices for him in the long term, but I hate knowing his friends are side eyeing him over how strict and square his parents are.
Such an honest and interesting read, Lindsay. Mum of 3 teenage boys here and thankfully not too many sleepovers and they have only stopped over with friends whose parents we know fairly well so I guess the boundaries/ expectations are well understood so they can all have fun but still get some sleep/ not come home high on sugar and screen-time. I think my approach to mothering them in relation to them talking to and trusting me has always been 'you don't have to tell me everything, but you can tell me anything', that they know they can always come to me no matter what's going on with them. Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job with your girls and we are raising kids in really unprecedented times and figuring it all out as we go. Reading about your experiences really hit me deep, I definitely recall feeling like the one who was causing the bother. I was certainly a wild teenager, but that's all part of figuring our changing bodies/ world views out and I so agree with you that shaming for this is gross.
So good Lindsay, thank you for sharing your beautiful relationship with your girls and the new and tricky terrain you are discovering, navigating boundaries with a degree of freedom. I so hope mine will always be open to share with me and vice versa, like you and your girls. Also so interesting to hear your experiences with friends’ parents…it feels awful that they felt it was ok to comment on what they had no right to/you felt targeted. I am quite a way off this in my parenting journey as you know but can already feel the push pull of being told to go away/being wanted in almost the same breath! Right now, can’t even imagine the stuff of sleepovers, will wait til mine can actually sleep all night before I worry about that though! xx
Lindsay, this was a brilliant read. God help me when Luna is a teen 😂 you’re a brilliant mum.
I can remember being 16 and my older boyfriend was at the doorstep “just leaving” for hours - my poor mum would come down stairs WILD with me and he’d disappear into the night! 😆
I think we have to believe that we can parent and keep boundaries without shaming children, ours and other people’s. It’s helpful to start by being curious about their behaviour I think, and always choosing to admonish your child in private. I personally hate that ‘in this house we…’ chat as well that sometimes people say to the children of other people. It’s so patronising
This ia a lovely vibrant piece of writing, Lindsay, and it took me back to when my kids were younger, and the drama of sleepovers. I do remember once when my daughter was about 9 she had four or five friends over and they did not sleep at all. Not one bit. I was shocked this had happened (I hadn't realised) and we had far less sleepovers after that. Or I would be quite strict with them and sit on the stairs and wait for them to go to sleep. I must have been the annoying mum, but I also felt a responsibility not to send my kids' friends home having not slept.
My poor son once spent the entire night crying at a sleepover because the other kids were so wild and kept throwing things at him each time he tried to nestle down in his sleeping bag, and I was annoyed with the parents for not protecting the kids more ... he was only about six or seven.
But then my kids went to a Waldorf Steiner school which veered between parents who had firm rules and other hippy types.
I didn't really experience any of the shame you recall from your own childhood I think because North London parenting in the late 80s was pretty free and open. But I do remember being fat shamed A LOT by an American neighbour we had. That stayed with me lots. Love this piece. Lots to think about.
Mother of boys, but this still resonates so finely with me. What a beautiful articulation of growing up and trying to guide (or at least be present for) others in doing so. ❤️
I honestly can’t think of a time when I felt shame around a friend or in their home. There was more chance of me feeling ashamed in my own four walls. This is why I’m (casually) determined to be the mother my daughter can talk to, confide in and hopefully have fun with. Can’t say I’m looking forward to navigating the teenage years given the nonsense I got up to! But I hope I can guide her through them as best I can 🥹💛
I’m the mum who goes to bed waaaaaay before the kids, I just poke my head in, negotiate a lights out time and leave them to it. God help them if I wake up and it’s past out agreed time! I trust my kid and she trusts me. Of course she tries to push it (the bedtime negotiations go on a while and she does the whole ‘not fair’ thing, but … 😬🤷🏻♀️). I don’t think kids have enough alone time anymore, we were always out and about, making our own risk assessments and having a life away from our parents. Kids need to do that. They need to have their secrets, and at the same time, if you’re lucky, they’ll talk to you about anything. Above all, I parent (alone btw) by way knowing I’ll never get it right. Since my daughter was a baby I have asked myself two questions — Is she safe? Is she happy? If the answer to those two is yes, I don’t sweat the small stuff.
A very evocative piece Lindsay- i can picture those scenes with you and your friends. I think so many parents are so incredibly uncomfortable about their kids becoming adults that their reactions become shaming and stay marked in our brains. I def remember that from my own teenage years. I also hve some big memories from clothes shopping in Debenhams in Glasgow. My mum always vetoed my choices with disapproving looks. But when i was fifteen or sixteen i remember i got this awesome red mini skirt to wear to a school dance. Not quite sure how it got approved but I loved that skirt. I felt so grown up and so free.
As a mum of both girl and boys I have to play it differently with each, which also leads to a whole bunch of trouble when they want the same! The boys is usually physical risk to avert - had a multi-agency cliff rescue just this weekend - but for the girls it’s more mood management / support after hideously late nights. She’s only 11 so I’m glad I read your piece as I also want to be always available - the house they want to be in.
Oof, I'm in the thick of parenting a sassy ('Well you did call me Saskia, mum, what did you expect') 15 year old and it's challenging me in so many ways, even though she's the youngest of three. We've had vaping issues, alcohol being smuggled in for a sleepover (I called the parents and sent all them all home), not to mention increasing levels of independence. Even though we live in a very safe town and she has a good set of friends (plus you can't do anything in this community without someone seeing you & reporting back) I still worry when she's out. That said she's a strong character and has her head screwed on when it comes to the friendship dramas that come with the territory at this age. So much to say on this subject and a big thank you for opening it up.
This is such a powerful and insightful piece, pal. Our being-parented so affects our parenting. It's something that I've done a bit of a deep dive on this year. Not always comfortable! My kids are still very little (4;3) and I think what I'm wading through at the moment is the anxiety of what you so clearly articulate here. I'm anticipating the behaviours and the inevitable mistakes my own history will lead me to make. I can feel it! I'm also a trauma-experienced parent (sibling loss) and that adds a whole other layer to this. Going to think on this one and report back...
Mother of two tween boys and I’m trying to come to terms with being one of the strict mums rather than one of the cool ones. It all comes down to screen time at the moment. Particularly for our nearly 12 year old, who’s told us that his friends’ parents let them play as much computer games and watch as much YouTube as they want, and we...don’t. We set limits because we can see how dysregulated he gets when he plays for hours on end. We check age ratings because he swears he’s ready for a 15 but then stays up half the night quietly freaking out about a scary film he watched at a sleepover. I think we’re making the right choices for him in the long term, but I hate knowing his friends are side eyeing him over how strict and square his parents are.
Lots resonating from my teenage years and also so helpful to read as my own kids eek ever closer to teen-dom !
Such an honest and interesting read, Lindsay. Mum of 3 teenage boys here and thankfully not too many sleepovers and they have only stopped over with friends whose parents we know fairly well so I guess the boundaries/ expectations are well understood so they can all have fun but still get some sleep/ not come home high on sugar and screen-time. I think my approach to mothering them in relation to them talking to and trusting me has always been 'you don't have to tell me everything, but you can tell me anything', that they know they can always come to me no matter what's going on with them. Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job with your girls and we are raising kids in really unprecedented times and figuring it all out as we go. Reading about your experiences really hit me deep, I definitely recall feeling like the one who was causing the bother. I was certainly a wild teenager, but that's all part of figuring our changing bodies/ world views out and I so agree with you that shaming for this is gross.
So good Lindsay, thank you for sharing your beautiful relationship with your girls and the new and tricky terrain you are discovering, navigating boundaries with a degree of freedom. I so hope mine will always be open to share with me and vice versa, like you and your girls. Also so interesting to hear your experiences with friends’ parents…it feels awful that they felt it was ok to comment on what they had no right to/you felt targeted. I am quite a way off this in my parenting journey as you know but can already feel the push pull of being told to go away/being wanted in almost the same breath! Right now, can’t even imagine the stuff of sleepovers, will wait til mine can actually sleep all night before I worry about that though! xx
Excellent and thought provoking writing as always pal, and you have creating such a supportive environment for the girls.
Lindsay, this was a brilliant read. God help me when Luna is a teen 😂 you’re a brilliant mum.
I can remember being 16 and my older boyfriend was at the doorstep “just leaving” for hours - my poor mum would come down stairs WILD with me and he’d disappear into the night! 😆
I think we have to believe that we can parent and keep boundaries without shaming children, ours and other people’s. It’s helpful to start by being curious about their behaviour I think, and always choosing to admonish your child in private. I personally hate that ‘in this house we…’ chat as well that sometimes people say to the children of other people. It’s so patronising
This ia a lovely vibrant piece of writing, Lindsay, and it took me back to when my kids were younger, and the drama of sleepovers. I do remember once when my daughter was about 9 she had four or five friends over and they did not sleep at all. Not one bit. I was shocked this had happened (I hadn't realised) and we had far less sleepovers after that. Or I would be quite strict with them and sit on the stairs and wait for them to go to sleep. I must have been the annoying mum, but I also felt a responsibility not to send my kids' friends home having not slept.
My poor son once spent the entire night crying at a sleepover because the other kids were so wild and kept throwing things at him each time he tried to nestle down in his sleeping bag, and I was annoyed with the parents for not protecting the kids more ... he was only about six or seven.
But then my kids went to a Waldorf Steiner school which veered between parents who had firm rules and other hippy types.
I didn't really experience any of the shame you recall from your own childhood I think because North London parenting in the late 80s was pretty free and open. But I do remember being fat shamed A LOT by an American neighbour we had. That stayed with me lots. Love this piece. Lots to think about.
Mother of boys, but this still resonates so finely with me. What a beautiful articulation of growing up and trying to guide (or at least be present for) others in doing so. ❤️
I honestly can’t think of a time when I felt shame around a friend or in their home. There was more chance of me feeling ashamed in my own four walls. This is why I’m (casually) determined to be the mother my daughter can talk to, confide in and hopefully have fun with. Can’t say I’m looking forward to navigating the teenage years given the nonsense I got up to! But I hope I can guide her through them as best I can 🥹💛
I’m the mum who goes to bed waaaaaay before the kids, I just poke my head in, negotiate a lights out time and leave them to it. God help them if I wake up and it’s past out agreed time! I trust my kid and she trusts me. Of course she tries to push it (the bedtime negotiations go on a while and she does the whole ‘not fair’ thing, but … 😬🤷🏻♀️). I don’t think kids have enough alone time anymore, we were always out and about, making our own risk assessments and having a life away from our parents. Kids need to do that. They need to have their secrets, and at the same time, if you’re lucky, they’ll talk to you about anything. Above all, I parent (alone btw) by way knowing I’ll never get it right. Since my daughter was a baby I have asked myself two questions — Is she safe? Is she happy? If the answer to those two is yes, I don’t sweat the small stuff.
A very evocative piece Lindsay- i can picture those scenes with you and your friends. I think so many parents are so incredibly uncomfortable about their kids becoming adults that their reactions become shaming and stay marked in our brains. I def remember that from my own teenage years. I also hve some big memories from clothes shopping in Debenhams in Glasgow. My mum always vetoed my choices with disapproving looks. But when i was fifteen or sixteen i remember i got this awesome red mini skirt to wear to a school dance. Not quite sure how it got approved but I loved that skirt. I felt so grown up and so free.
This is such a beautiful piece. Captivated me the whole time.
My daughter is 10 so I am beginning that journey of witnessing her exploration into tweendom with all its challenges, beauty, questions and drama.
Thinking about all of this reminds me of something I once heard (can’t recall where) - “And so I pull back to keep them close”
I’m learning this is the tightrope we walk as parents.