For decades I used alcohol to stuff down pain, would regularly drink far more than was healthy, and have enough stories when I've disgraced myself and put myself in dangerous situations to write a book (oh, I am!).
I did a year alcohol free a few years ago and kidded myself I'd reset my relationship with booze, but it wasn't long before two extremely stiff gins became a daily occurrence again.
I did Dry January, listened to the Allen Carr Easy Way and am still alcohol free. It feels like a huge relief. It's early days I know, but this time am really concentrating on the benefits of ditching the booze. I've written more in January Gin:
It's crazy how drinking has become so much part of the norm - we're not in the same countries, but NZ has a very similar drinking culture and I'm always surprised at how much people view it as "self-care" or something they've "earned after a hard day's work". I used to be very similar and thought it was very normal, nothing wrong with it. I did a 10-day meditation retreat, which obviously didn't serve any alcohol and afterwards they recommended that you keep up the meditation and abstain from alcohol and eating meat. I figured it couldn't hurt and set out to try it for an entire year. I'm back to eating meat, but never went back to drinking alcohol. Don't miss it at all.
I have always had a very watchful almost obsessive relationship with alcohol. I’ve been convinced since childhood that I’ll end up being an alcoholic because one of my parents is. Totally agree with you and other commenters that alcohol becomes a problem if it’s taking up so much brain space - when is it ok to have a drink, how much is it ok to drink at home/on a night out/with a meal… I drank a lot in my late teens and early 20s, partly because it was the early 2000s and everyone was - this quietened my looping anxieties because I couldn’t be an alcoholic if everyone was drinking to excess. In adulthood I’ve set myself all sorts of rules about when and what and how much I can drink (only on weekends, never buy a bottle of wine unless I’m sharing it with someone else). I’ve done dry January for the last few years and usually celebrated making it to the 31st by having a drink, but this year I decided to stay dry and see how long I can keep going for. So far I’ve not missed having a drink and I’m enjoying feeling clearer and more present in my body. I expect to fall off the wagon at some point - maybe in the summer when a cold cider in the garden after the kids are in bed is always very tempting…
So interested to follow along on your journey with this, Ellen. That you didn't feel the urge to celebrate in the same ways as previous years as dry Jan ended is very telling, isn't it? I also agree with you on the utterly toxic era booze-wise that we grew up in. The legacy of our parents mixed with the ladette era and 50p vodkas, my god. We've got a lot to unpack still and it's no wonder we've had such struggles.
Yes - with hindsight the early 2000s were a WILD time to be a young adult. I feel both slightly nostalgic for and also properly shocked by the days when you could buy enough alcohol to get properly pissed on a tenner 😵💫
Great piece Lindsay! Don’t underestimate the influence the West of Scotland drinking culture has had on you. The first flicker of a yucky/uncomfortable/anxious feeling has us reaching for the glass. It’s hardwired and difficult to reject. To be the pariah at the table with the soda and lime, who ‘thinks they’re better than everyone else.’ (Crime # 1 in some circles!) I haven’t had a drink for 7 years and still really struggle with all this. X
You're so right, Kirsteen. Even if you classed yourself as a social drinker every single occasion would mean drink. The good, the bad, the sad... A pal sent me an old clip from an episode of the Scottish comedy show Chewin' the Fat this morning after reading my post. You might fancy a watch because it borders on the sinister, the way folk used to egg each other on to drink... https://www.instagram.com/reel/DEyd3wpq9F8/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Yes, exactly this! All my elder male relatives had a sinister tone when saying ‘take a drink!’ Totally unacceptable to not drink. It’s better than it used to be but still persists…
This was me, Lindsay, until I took the leap and did dry Jan. I agree with Chloe above that the deliberating, thinking, calculating, is the problem more than the booze often. I realised that when I drank, even if it was just a glass - although like you the glass was often a big one or more than one because I’d do a sneaky top up - I simply felt bad. I’d wake in the night to pee and would hold my head in my hands feeling bad. Whereas when I didn’t drink, I’d wake up and feel good. It wasn’t the physical effects, it was psychological. Although I also realised that drinking when making supper - also my habit / favourite time to drink - meant that come 9pm I often had a hangover, felt maudlin, sleepy, ashamed. The things that helped me was Substack, Clovers writing on sobriety, your writing about struggling with sobriety, various apps, and then Dry Jan. Now, weirdly, alcohol looks syrupy, cloying, it smells bad, and I don’t want to go near it. I went to my first social gathering the other night and noticed how chained people are to it. It was a leaving do at work, with speeches, and there were lines of glasses of wine,🍷 and in a break between speeches people would slip behind me to grab another drink, then another, and another, I could see the cogs of their brains, the hyper awareness of where they were in relation to that glass on the table, and how discreetly they could take another glass. Just one more. I know because I’ve been there. Alcohol does this to us, it ties us to it. It makes some of us very weak. But weirdly now I’ve stopped I don’t care about it anymore, in fact I dislike it. And I really really don’t want to go back to being its slave.
I'm picturing work events I've been to both as an enthusiastic drinker and the ambivalent partaker and completely relate to this description. It's incredible that after such a short period of time you're finding alcohol so abhorrent - this is inspiring, Lily! I haven't had a drink for a week now though have also had the cold. In the past I'd have had hot toddies every night thinking, genuinely, that it was a help. What was I thinking?! Good luck with your journey. We come to it in our own time but need to keep talking about it whatever stage we're at.
Right comments section, let’s go! Love all of this Lindsay, once again your honesty is brave and inspiring (wondering if you share my sense of shame about not having “resolved” this relationship to alc thing?) So much here resonates, particularly the pondering/bargaining about how much I should have, if any - I could take it or leave it but if my husband just buys a small something on the way home for me I’ll at least have the option … I’ve started buying the odd half bottle of red wine from the expensive bottle shop, thinking that would mean higher quality and less volume. And it does, except I so often end up not quite getting the buzz/guilt free enjoyment I used to. You nailed that this is all so personal and for some people the same amount is uncomplicated and unproblematic in their minds. But I sense the fact that I’m flip flopping and equivocating just MUST be a sign that I know this is NOT unproblematic for me. So I’m trying something new - no booze at home, just a clean rule of none vs the messiness of a little bit or not much but sometimes and all the agonising that involves. Lots of alc free beer and gin in the house if I need it (husband on his own journey too, still drinks more than he should but doing much better thanks to the non alcs). When I go out to pub or cinema or theatre or restaurant etc, I can drink, max 2 (I don’t go out that much so this feels ok!) I suspect the latter going out rule will evolve too but for now it feels ok. And this is really a path - for some of us - some stop suddenly, which I envy, but I think it’s ok to for the road to be messy and stop-starty and non-linear.
Chloe, there IS shame around not having figured this out by now, you're right. Also in reading the comments from others including Claire I'm coming to see that addiction is far more of an issue for me. The sugar thing - eek! Change is slow. An evolution. I do eat and drink so differently these days to how I did even five, ten years ago and imagine that it'll continue to be something I need to be conscious of. Chocolate! Oh god! Pastries! It's been a week since I had a drink but mere HOURS since I stood in the kitchen raiding the girls' sleepover sweets... Going to try for a few days to cut sugar again. I know how to do these things but it's a slippery slope when Tony's Chocolonely is in the cupboard!
I am definitely a sugar addict, and the thought of cutting it out of my diet feels both impossible and scary (see also: cheese and milk). Which is probably a sign I should experiment with reducing my intake! My husband and I share a bar of posh chocolate on Friday nights after the kids are in bed, and it’s a little reward to look forward to in the same way as a glass of wine can be.
I recognise so much of this. I'm sober now and have been for three years although I fell off the wagon in October/November last year. One of the highlights about quitting is exactly what you describe. The anxiety about getting a drink. I'm finding the same with sugar (day42). I don't have to decide whether to have dessert etc etc. I just don't. It's more simple. Thank you for this honest essay.
Exactly, Claire. Taking the decision out of it and then you don't have the mental chatter to contend with. And to be honest, I need to revisit the sugar and UPF. I've followed Sarah Wilson and Jesse Glucose Goddess for a while now. I do the savoury breakfast and try to limit the sugar I do consume to what's in the carbs I eat and non-UPF (dark chocolate and homemade stuff) but it's HARD! I cannot be trusted around milk chocolate...
this is inspiring Claire! I’m thinking of giving up sugar for Lent, as I also feel uncomfortable with my sugar reliance (a little hit frequently, tell myself it’s not a problem but would also like to know I can live without it!) did you use any resources or did you just go for it? x
Hi Chloe. I had a book called I quit sugar which helped. At the moment I have quit all added sugar. I don't eat any form of sugar like fruit or honey. However, I do eat some carbs like potato and rice which turns into sugars. I use some of the hacks from a book called glucose revolution to avoid glucose spikes when I eat carbs. I recommend that book. I am addicted to sugar and it's hard but my energy levels are so much better. Let me know if you start.
I think it gives me heartburn! I'm not consistent with it at all, but have a bottle on the countertop. I have better luck with a few mouthfuls of pickled veg before dinner and NEED to make my own because the brand I like isn't kind to my pocket haha!
For decades I used alcohol to stuff down pain, would regularly drink far more than was healthy, and have enough stories when I've disgraced myself and put myself in dangerous situations to write a book (oh, I am!).
I did a year alcohol free a few years ago and kidded myself I'd reset my relationship with booze, but it wasn't long before two extremely stiff gins became a daily occurrence again.
I did Dry January, listened to the Allen Carr Easy Way and am still alcohol free. It feels like a huge relief. It's early days I know, but this time am really concentrating on the benefits of ditching the booze. I've written more in January Gin:
https://open.substack.com/pub/suereed/p/january-gin?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1cn6l0
It's crazy how drinking has become so much part of the norm - we're not in the same countries, but NZ has a very similar drinking culture and I'm always surprised at how much people view it as "self-care" or something they've "earned after a hard day's work". I used to be very similar and thought it was very normal, nothing wrong with it. I did a 10-day meditation retreat, which obviously didn't serve any alcohol and afterwards they recommended that you keep up the meditation and abstain from alcohol and eating meat. I figured it couldn't hurt and set out to try it for an entire year. I'm back to eating meat, but never went back to drinking alcohol. Don't miss it at all.
I have always had a very watchful almost obsessive relationship with alcohol. I’ve been convinced since childhood that I’ll end up being an alcoholic because one of my parents is. Totally agree with you and other commenters that alcohol becomes a problem if it’s taking up so much brain space - when is it ok to have a drink, how much is it ok to drink at home/on a night out/with a meal… I drank a lot in my late teens and early 20s, partly because it was the early 2000s and everyone was - this quietened my looping anxieties because I couldn’t be an alcoholic if everyone was drinking to excess. In adulthood I’ve set myself all sorts of rules about when and what and how much I can drink (only on weekends, never buy a bottle of wine unless I’m sharing it with someone else). I’ve done dry January for the last few years and usually celebrated making it to the 31st by having a drink, but this year I decided to stay dry and see how long I can keep going for. So far I’ve not missed having a drink and I’m enjoying feeling clearer and more present in my body. I expect to fall off the wagon at some point - maybe in the summer when a cold cider in the garden after the kids are in bed is always very tempting…
So interested to follow along on your journey with this, Ellen. That you didn't feel the urge to celebrate in the same ways as previous years as dry Jan ended is very telling, isn't it? I also agree with you on the utterly toxic era booze-wise that we grew up in. The legacy of our parents mixed with the ladette era and 50p vodkas, my god. We've got a lot to unpack still and it's no wonder we've had such struggles.
Yes - with hindsight the early 2000s were a WILD time to be a young adult. I feel both slightly nostalgic for and also properly shocked by the days when you could buy enough alcohol to get properly pissed on a tenner 😵💫
We really didn’t need much money at all, did we. I remember the free drinks as well that girls were given…
Great piece Lindsay! Don’t underestimate the influence the West of Scotland drinking culture has had on you. The first flicker of a yucky/uncomfortable/anxious feeling has us reaching for the glass. It’s hardwired and difficult to reject. To be the pariah at the table with the soda and lime, who ‘thinks they’re better than everyone else.’ (Crime # 1 in some circles!) I haven’t had a drink for 7 years and still really struggle with all this. X
You're so right, Kirsteen. Even if you classed yourself as a social drinker every single occasion would mean drink. The good, the bad, the sad... A pal sent me an old clip from an episode of the Scottish comedy show Chewin' the Fat this morning after reading my post. You might fancy a watch because it borders on the sinister, the way folk used to egg each other on to drink... https://www.instagram.com/reel/DEyd3wpq9F8/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Yes, exactly this! All my elder male relatives had a sinister tone when saying ‘take a drink!’ Totally unacceptable to not drink. It’s better than it used to be but still persists…
This was me, Lindsay, until I took the leap and did dry Jan. I agree with Chloe above that the deliberating, thinking, calculating, is the problem more than the booze often. I realised that when I drank, even if it was just a glass - although like you the glass was often a big one or more than one because I’d do a sneaky top up - I simply felt bad. I’d wake in the night to pee and would hold my head in my hands feeling bad. Whereas when I didn’t drink, I’d wake up and feel good. It wasn’t the physical effects, it was psychological. Although I also realised that drinking when making supper - also my habit / favourite time to drink - meant that come 9pm I often had a hangover, felt maudlin, sleepy, ashamed. The things that helped me was Substack, Clovers writing on sobriety, your writing about struggling with sobriety, various apps, and then Dry Jan. Now, weirdly, alcohol looks syrupy, cloying, it smells bad, and I don’t want to go near it. I went to my first social gathering the other night and noticed how chained people are to it. It was a leaving do at work, with speeches, and there were lines of glasses of wine,🍷 and in a break between speeches people would slip behind me to grab another drink, then another, and another, I could see the cogs of their brains, the hyper awareness of where they were in relation to that glass on the table, and how discreetly they could take another glass. Just one more. I know because I’ve been there. Alcohol does this to us, it ties us to it. It makes some of us very weak. But weirdly now I’ve stopped I don’t care about it anymore, in fact I dislike it. And I really really don’t want to go back to being its slave.
I'm picturing work events I've been to both as an enthusiastic drinker and the ambivalent partaker and completely relate to this description. It's incredible that after such a short period of time you're finding alcohol so abhorrent - this is inspiring, Lily! I haven't had a drink for a week now though have also had the cold. In the past I'd have had hot toddies every night thinking, genuinely, that it was a help. What was I thinking?! Good luck with your journey. We come to it in our own time but need to keep talking about it whatever stage we're at.
Right comments section, let’s go! Love all of this Lindsay, once again your honesty is brave and inspiring (wondering if you share my sense of shame about not having “resolved” this relationship to alc thing?) So much here resonates, particularly the pondering/bargaining about how much I should have, if any - I could take it or leave it but if my husband just buys a small something on the way home for me I’ll at least have the option … I’ve started buying the odd half bottle of red wine from the expensive bottle shop, thinking that would mean higher quality and less volume. And it does, except I so often end up not quite getting the buzz/guilt free enjoyment I used to. You nailed that this is all so personal and for some people the same amount is uncomplicated and unproblematic in their minds. But I sense the fact that I’m flip flopping and equivocating just MUST be a sign that I know this is NOT unproblematic for me. So I’m trying something new - no booze at home, just a clean rule of none vs the messiness of a little bit or not much but sometimes and all the agonising that involves. Lots of alc free beer and gin in the house if I need it (husband on his own journey too, still drinks more than he should but doing much better thanks to the non alcs). When I go out to pub or cinema or theatre or restaurant etc, I can drink, max 2 (I don’t go out that much so this feels ok!) I suspect the latter going out rule will evolve too but for now it feels ok. And this is really a path - for some of us - some stop suddenly, which I envy, but I think it’s ok to for the road to be messy and stop-starty and non-linear.
Chloe, there IS shame around not having figured this out by now, you're right. Also in reading the comments from others including Claire I'm coming to see that addiction is far more of an issue for me. The sugar thing - eek! Change is slow. An evolution. I do eat and drink so differently these days to how I did even five, ten years ago and imagine that it'll continue to be something I need to be conscious of. Chocolate! Oh god! Pastries! It's been a week since I had a drink but mere HOURS since I stood in the kitchen raiding the girls' sleepover sweets... Going to try for a few days to cut sugar again. I know how to do these things but it's a slippery slope when Tony's Chocolonely is in the cupboard!
I am definitely a sugar addict, and the thought of cutting it out of my diet feels both impossible and scary (see also: cheese and milk). Which is probably a sign I should experiment with reducing my intake! My husband and I share a bar of posh chocolate on Friday nights after the kids are in bed, and it’s a little reward to look forward to in the same way as a glass of wine can be.
Posh chocolate sharing — I like it! I am about to have a couple of squares of 85% stuff with my herbal tea. WILD!
I recognise so much of this. I'm sober now and have been for three years although I fell off the wagon in October/November last year. One of the highlights about quitting is exactly what you describe. The anxiety about getting a drink. I'm finding the same with sugar (day42). I don't have to decide whether to have dessert etc etc. I just don't. It's more simple. Thank you for this honest essay.
Exactly, Claire. Taking the decision out of it and then you don't have the mental chatter to contend with. And to be honest, I need to revisit the sugar and UPF. I've followed Sarah Wilson and Jesse Glucose Goddess for a while now. I do the savoury breakfast and try to limit the sugar I do consume to what's in the carbs I eat and non-UPF (dark chocolate and homemade stuff) but it's HARD! I cannot be trusted around milk chocolate...
this is inspiring Claire! I’m thinking of giving up sugar for Lent, as I also feel uncomfortable with my sugar reliance (a little hit frequently, tell myself it’s not a problem but would also like to know I can live without it!) did you use any resources or did you just go for it? x
Hi Chloe. I had a book called I quit sugar which helped. At the moment I have quit all added sugar. I don't eat any form of sugar like fruit or honey. However, I do eat some carbs like potato and rice which turns into sugars. I use some of the hacks from a book called glucose revolution to avoid glucose spikes when I eat carbs. I recommend that book. I am addicted to sugar and it's hard but my energy levels are so much better. Let me know if you start.
Have you had much success / consistency with the vinegar stuff, Claire?
God no. Made me feel sick 😫 You?
I think it gives me heartburn! I'm not consistent with it at all, but have a bottle on the countertop. I have better luck with a few mouthfuls of pickled veg before dinner and NEED to make my own because the brand I like isn't kind to my pocket haha!
I prefer the veggie hack and the dress your carbs hack